This is why you don't want to be friends with me in real life.

Any given night at my house:

IT HAS GONE TOO FAR. If I see some douche wearing this "ironically" someone's gonna have to bail me out of jail.

Birth control Republicans can get behind. But not literally...unless they made a virginity pledge. Then it's ok.

The real reason women can't drive. It's all about spacial analysis. And dicks.

Shirt Modeling: you're doing it wrong.

Nothin' like a little dick recyclin'. via http://fartstitution.tumblr.com/

I always forget to re-harden the nipples.

My dog got a mohawk. But she also got a bandana. I'm going to call it a wash.

A pretty, yet totally inappropriate wallpaper. via @buzzfeed

One of the top results of my image search for "debate."

So why do I get this every year on my birthday?

Pretty pissed that my tramp stamp took third place in the baby shower's onesie decorating competition.

I'm sorry, Stussy is still a thing?!?

@robdelaney's Tweet gave @abrahampiper's Tweet a whole new meaning. And by "whole," I mean "penisy."

One of our guests ate a little too much yesterday.

This is how I know I've chosen the right dentist. Well, this and the happy endings.

I swear you'll love this shirt.