This is why I'm afraid to check my email sometimes.

The kid in Moonrise Kingdom looks like @JoeMande and @fart made a baby.

It's all downhill from here.

Made a lot of empty promises about what I'd do when I hit 12,000. Here's a photo of me, age 19, going to a party.

Cool promoted tweet.

OK, bye forever, then.

How is this Woody Allen's son.

This is where I'm at.

Oh my God, when did Conor Oberst become a 32-year-old man?

BRB, getting lost in Peter Dinklage's eyes.

OK to respond to this with, "Thank God you'll be dead soon"?

I'm not trying to be homophobic, but we don't need to dress like this in YouTube videos.

Found something weird in my raisins?

Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy.

I don't need to try this to know it tastes like vomit.

This mom arrested for taking her daughter into a tanning booth is the human embodiment of a burnt sienna crayon.

#icriedwhen

New York Philharmonic, you goofs!

11,000 followers. Thanks, guys.

See, now I feel bad.