"Do you have any donuts that taste like sporting goods? You do??"

"I don't wanna be a samurai! I'm five!"

Kohl's, fire your promotional slogans guy and hire me at half the pay. I CAN DO THIS KIND OF THING FROM HOME NO SWEAT.

What? They said I could pick a theme for my debit card. Don't judge me.

please be a girl please be a girl please be a girl dammit.

How to be a dream woman: Lesson 1.

I HAVE TO GO TO A DINNER PARTY AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW

Solar powered car at the gas station. Status of my head: asploded.

My local news could pop a cap in your local news' ass.

Only washed my hands so I could have an excuse to use this. Weeeee!

?uestlove spinning Michael Jackson in a warehouse downtown. And I ran into @janinaz !

If you have to put up a sign for your facility to be a thing, your facility is not that thing.

Hey grocery store - way too many frozen pizzas. Cool it.

This sums up my standup career so well.

Birthday party for @bengleib with @kttatara, @thechrisarmy, and @iliza at the club where Michael Stele got busted.

Racehorse stable or sex barn? You decide.

Nope.

@azizansari Hey Raaaaaaaandy, I finally got to see some. I should email myself directions to strip clubs more often:

Rental car trunk in DC. New corporate slogan: "If you get kidnapped, Ford has your back."

Admit it. You're jealous. Or you don't care and are not jealous at all.