Why would anybody want really, really small tapioca?

Okay, fine, I’ll stop making dumb jokes. I’ll just tweet pictures of my food from now on.

You hear that, Max?? We're WATCHING YOU, MAX!!

Mixed messages

I gotta remember this place next time two of my friends and I all forget our cell phones at the same time.

Well, good, I'm glad they're cracking down on all those drunk police officers.

Why did it have to be SNAKES?

Happy Fathers Day

Remember when I used to look like this? Seems like just yesterday.

OH GOD NO, THAT'S YOUR HEAD!!

He hates spunk. :(

Wheee!

Can't wait for @nathanrabin's new book to come out - looks interesting!

OMG!! Check it out - this is totally off the hook!

Yay!! The residuals check for my HBO @funnyordie Presents appearance finally came in! #LivingLarge

In case you're curious, here's my newest jam:

Creepy...

I ran into @TomWilsonUSA recently, and he was nice enough to show me his larger-than-human head.

Never! NEVER!!!

I always get a little grossed out whenever I see a Pepsi sphincter.