I shop here all the time because I like my slim fit, flat front chinos to define my fatherhood.

Date night at the Mall. Just destroyed a crepe.

Sad that there was probably someone that thought to themselves, "Inconvenienced? More like OUTRAGED!!!"

Separated at birth? #twolves

A very special Light Rail scent dujour: Game worn Madonna Confessions Tour, Local Crew silk jacket. #nohashtagneeded

Look I'm just sayin', don't ever don't my coolness. Exhibit A: My most recent Google search...

Nuts...#CrashedIce

Every Guess Who character looked like they could have owned a large aquarium. Exhibit A:

Phew...I was getting concerned that it might not happen again. #hardhittingnews

...Aaaand the gong is on fire. #thesongremainsthesame

Happening now: Elvis impersonator doing a cover of "Cracklin' Rose". #obviously

Justice was designed to look like a Care Bear tool peyote and upchucked on the entire store. #dadgoestothemall

Despite your efforts, you will never be cooler than this man. And you need to be okay with that.

"One Pez to rule them all and in the darkness...pinch their fingers and make them say the f-words."

My new winter boots have arrived and to my surprise they're toddler-sized.

The main goal of all Michael Graves products at Target is to mimic what Pee Wee Herman would use.

According to Comcast I'm watching the Whalers vs. the Blues. Always knew my DVR would bow to nostalgia.

Oh sure you say that now, but I know you want call me!

Personal regret: Never inventing a dance that really connected with people.

Social media wizardry...