Why the Sam Hill would I want an app to be able to do these things?

No. Doesn't even have the same layout. Stop it now.

RT @George_Osborne: The circus section in the Knutsford Royal May Day parade. No double meaning I promise.

Know your customers

They're advertising polo on the tube #hippiewigsinwoolworths #toffs

@LucMartin Ack, sorry. Picture of the resulting loaf (interesting design)

@LucMartin I'm having a banetton crisis. Can't get it to not stick, however much flour I throw at it. Help! Results:

Just had this through the door. Good luck with that in north London

Drunk octopus wants to oh fuck it it doesn't even look like an octopus

If you wear sunglasses on the tube, you'll end up reading Ayn Rand. Or vice versa.

Well that was a waste of fucking money

If the song was just called The Witch Is Dead, this would be the best news report ever

She's lost it. Can we have her sectioned?

Loving your new work, @sarahlmorgan

They're selling pipes for a quid in Poundland #hippiewigsinwoolworths

Mind you, this was by me at the same age #apple #tree

One of the loveliest things about being a father is when your 7yo writes a little story about you

I remember when Mars Curiosity used to get hundreds of likes on Instagram. Fame is fickle, kid.